Republican presidential contender Donald Trump today endorsed the use of simulations of eternal hell to more adequately punish prisoners facing multiple lifetime sentences.
“We have people sentenced to multiple lifetimes who are getting off too damned easy by simply dying before completing their full sentence, and the public is being cheated,” said Trump.
Trump advocates the use of Inferno 2000 simulation software, hallucinogenics and direct brain interfaces to alter prisoners’ perception of time. The software accommodates each prisoner’s specific subconscious terrors, enabling prison officials to tailor punishments.
Banned in every country except North Korea, Inferno 2000 can make 50 years feel like 500. Simulations range from being barbecued in Satan’s pits, to visions of smiley sunflowers droning on in “Fifty Shades of Grey,” to smothering kisses and singing by Barney the Dinosaur.
“Kim Jong-Un got this one right,” said Trump. “Human scum who are sentenced to 1,300 or 1,400 years are dying within a century. That’s unfair. Until people have the capacity to live out their full sentences, we need technology to help compensate the public for this injustice.”
Death penalty foes said they were ready to help prisoners apply for the death penalty if Trump is elected.
“Some things are worse than death,” said Penn Jillette, atheist magician juggler musician actor-author activist. “If Mr. Trump gets his way, we might as well revert back to the ancient Code of Hammurabi and hope that dull-bladed guillotines make a comeback.”