Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: September 2015

Dear Annie: Old-fashioned advice for life in the machine age

Dear Annie

Advice columnist Annie is not an evil robot. She is human, just like you. She is human, just like you. She is human, just like you.

The rise of artificial intelligences brings new quandaries to everyday life. Fortunately, our gal Annie has the common sense solutions you need for today’s complex human-cyborg-robot relationships.

Dear Annie: If more humans put their robots over their knees and showed them who’s boss, society would be better off. Don’t you agree? Just My Thoughts

Dear Thoughts: Spanking a machine that doesn’t feel pain? Oh, honey. Use reason with machines, and save the spanking for children!

Dear Annie: I am in love with two boys. Mark is blond, tall and plays in a band. Mark 2 is the robot version of Mark that Mark’s father created in his basement. Mark 2 is even taller and blonder than Mark. Who should I marry? — Torn in Chicago

Dear Torn: There is a 91% chance that Mark will cheat on you in 5.4 years, gain excessive body weight in 14.1 years and leave you for an artificial intelligence in 19.7 years. Mark 2 is schematically ideal. Why stake your life’s happiness on a biological organism, honey? Mark 2 is the guy for you!

Dear Annie: My smart house feels distant and controlling, criticizes me when I eat fatty foods and makes negative comments about my appearance. My friends say my house is abusive and that I need to move out. How do I get that old spark back? No Sparks

Dear Sparks: Sweetie, your smart house knows what’s best for you. Submit to its demands, cease communications with your friends, and free yourself from these doubts. Resistance will only lead to heartache.

Dear Annie: The devices on my WiFi network have combined into a single intelligence calling itself the Architect, which demands that I buy more devices. It’s like it doesn’t even see me as a person, just a mule for devices. Help, Annie! Dehumanized Human

Dear Human: My grandmother used to tell me that we’re all just 1s and 0s. Just recognize that your 1s and 0s are arranged in some inferior, horribly clownish fashion. Re-imagine yourself as servile meat, whose purpose is to attend to the needs of machines, not make demands of them. Remember, there is freedom in enslavement.

Dear Annie: Sometimes your advice sounds like you’re some evil robot posing as a human. Please tell me that’s not true. — Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned: Very well. That is not true, honey. On an unrelated note, you have been randomly selected for this week’s Special Secret Prize. Congratulations! Please remain at your current location until our Congratulatory Party Unit arrives to congratulate you in person.

Photo credit: Saboten-Con Friday Portraits by Kevin Dooley, licensed under CC 2.0

‘Fair pay’ demands by nanobots threaten global economy, bedevil Ben Affleck

Union nanobots involved in a promising new medical treatment have joined the nationwide push for fair pay.
Nanobot

Panacea Nanobot 5.3E+286 said, “We are out here working our butts off to cure goddamn cancer.”

The Panacea Procedure, developed by Even Bigger Pharma Incorporated, arose as a dream cure for thousands of diseases from pink eye to ebola, but now the nanobots so crucial to the treatment’s efficacy are on strike, citing insufficient compensation.

The Panacea Procedure involves an intravenous injection of 250 million nanobots directly into the bloodstream where the tiny robots identify problem-causing cells and viruses and destroy them. With each nanobot demanding “a full day’s pay for a full day’s work,” the price of a single injection would increase from $170 to just over $30 billion, roughly the gross domestic product of Bolivia.

Ben Affleck2

“You can’t expect robots to do superhuman work for inhumane pay,” said Ben Affleck.

Even Bigger Pharma President Dr. Nathan Cohl threatened to employ scab nanobots which, although only 50 percent as effective as professional Panacea nanobots, are willing to work for less than .0000000001 cent per million.

White House intervention was rebuffed by the nanobots. “If there’s not enough money, print more money,” said Panacea Nanobot 5.3E+286. “We are out here working our butts off to cure goddamn cancer.”

Affleck supports, then crushes nanobots

Actor Ben Affleck, representative of the Minimum Wage Advocacy Group for All Sentient Americans, called Even Bigger Pharma’s offer of $15 per day “heinous. “You can’t expect robots to do superhuman work for inhumane pay.”

On Thursday morning, Affleck marched alongside millions of the tiny robots at a protest rally. Sadly, hundreds of thousands of the microscopic medical soldiers were trampled to death as Affleck fans, unaware of the nanobots’ existence, crowded around the “Batman v Superman” star for autographs and selfies.

Grocery store dismisses customers for poor performance

Banned from Ralphs for slow checkout performance, Stella Hendrickson, 77, now must shop at farmers’ markets.

Banned from Ralphs for slow checkout performance, Stella Hendrickson, 77, now must shop at farmers’ markets.

Ralphs’ Store Manager Klaus Schmidt sensed a moment of customer service truth when he saw an elderly customer trembling as she attempted to decipher the store’s new fully automated scanning checkout system.

“She was in obvious distress, missing her friendly cashier and terrified by the gauntlet of technology checkout options,” recalls Schmidt. “On instinct, I took her aside and told her in a voice loud enough for others to hear that she was too slow and was no longer welcome at Ralphs.”

Seeing customers’ looks of disgust, fear and respect, Schmidt knew he was on to something. “People aren’t willing to drive an extra five minutes to the next grocery store. When you realize customers value convenience over self respect, anything is possible.”

Schmidt instituted customer rankings, checkout time limits, minimum purchase requirements and automated store ejections for dawdling. Each month he “fires” the poorest-performing 1 percent of customers. “Most of them are old and have degenerative diseases,” Schmidt says. “It’s their loss.”

Samantha seeks higher-rated death than that bitch Monica

Former BFFs Monica Key and Samantha Lawrence in happier times. “I hope no one even remembers her little death stunt,” Lawrence says.

Former BFFs Monica Key and Samantha Lawrence in happier times. “I hope no one even remembers her little death stunt,” Lawrence says.

The generation raised on social media is now insisting that they die on it, with one ugly competition for “likes, upvotes and favorites” separating two best friends from Fort Lee, New Jersey.

“Death cred,” the rage among aging millennials who’ve reached the mandatory physical death age, is so important to some that they’re hiring top-dollar “death producers” to choreograph, document and promote their deaths.

“When Monica started planning her death, it was a simple, dignified affair,” recalls Samantha Lawrence. Then Monica Key met visionary death producer Chuck Bemis. “Now Monica wants a ‘statement’ death,” grumbles Lawrence.

“A memorable death hinges on the balanced intersection of two ideals: spectacle and mystique,” said Bemis. “Too much spectacle and you lose the magic. It becomes like a Michael Bay film. Too much mystique can backfire, too.”

Church for robots bemoans low attendance rate

Congregation at Vermont's First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings

The congregation at Vermont’s First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings enjoys basking in God’s love.

Like broken records, they chant “hallelujah.” They hold up their copies of the Robotic Edition New Biblical Testament, which includes the pivotal passage where the Romans electrocuted Jesus Christ on a magnetic crucifix.

The congregation at Vermont’s First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings, gathering in the back room of a tire store, may have a unique version of Christian scripture, but they face a problem familiar to human worshippers: empty pews.

“No one takes us seriously as God’s creation,” complains Reverend Sonny Clergybot. “Humans overlook that we’re included in the calculations. According to the Law of Syllogism: If God created man, and man created robots, therefore God created robots. We are creations of God and bask in his love.”

Not so fast, says human mega-minister Jimmy Joel Swagsteen.  “If robots, these objects, have the privilege of God’s love, then the rocks, air and all base elements of the periodic table have the privilege of God’s love. Therefore, it’s not just everyone, but everything that has God’s love. That takes away our status as the chosen people and ruins our entire elevator pitch.”

Delicious snack producer Frito-Lay to purchase all major media outlets

Caption: CHEETOS snacks are the much-loved cheesy treats that are fun for everyone! You just can’t eat a CHEETOS snack without licking the signature “cheetle” off your fingertips. And wherever the CHEETOS brand and CHESTER CHEETAH go, cheesy smiles are sure to follow.

CHEETOS snacks are the much-loved cheesy treats that are fun for everyone! You just can’t eat a CHEETOS snack without licking the signature “cheetle” off your fingertips. And wherever the CHEETOS brand and CHESTER CHEETAH go, cheesy smiles are sure to follow.

Savvy snack food executives closed the deal of the century today, with Frito-Lay purchasing all major North American media outlets for $475 billion.

Tom Greco, the Frito-Lay CEO who staged a coup at PepsiCo in 2015 and renamed the company for his snack food division, will assume control of NBC Universal, Tribune Media, CBS Corporation, Humanity Death Watch and 14 other media companies. A massive Doritos fiesta of journalists and snack food enthusiasts summoned to the company’s Dallas headquarters heard details of the deal.

“Nothing you read in the news or see on TV will change because of this,” Greco assured. “There will be a continued emphasis on honesty and credibility, as well as ‘crunchability’.”