Humanity Death Watch

Author wants stupid, ungrateful readers to burn in hell

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Sales of “Puppy Loves Puppy,” the 64-page American best seller “written” by an artificial intelligence named STEPHANIE, cracked the 12 million mark last week while “meaningful” books by human authors lingered unloved and unread on store bookshelves and servers worldwide.

Developed by NSA collections analyst Ernst Kesselman, STEPHANIE scanned the worldwide mesh to assess human intelligence and tastes, then output a story about a puppy that travels the world looking for a potion to keep him a puppy forever.

Octavia Bernhardt, Nobel Prize winner for literature, congratulated Kesselman on “five chapters of 24-point pabulum, for which I hope he and everyone who liked it experience swift and eternal damnation. As Anaïs Nin said, ‘If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.’”

Human writers becoming irrelevant

“Typical Octavia,” said Bernhardt’s former husband Frank, who divorced his wife of 21 years for incessantly quoting Anaïs Nin. “It’s no wonder that petulant writers like my ex-wife can’t sell their books. I liked the puppy story. It was touching. That puppy has a lot of spunk.”

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history. Octavia Bernhardt’s new novel, which she plans to self-publish, examines in more than 1,000 pages her new job as a Comcast customer service representative.

Leave a Reply