Humanity Death Watch

First man to enter black hole enticed by retirement package

Travis McDaniel wonders just how dark it will be in black hole V4641.

NASA has selected unemployed chicken sexer Travis McDaniel as the sole pilot of the new Sacrifice spacecraft, bound for the V4641 black hole.

McDaniel, a middle-school graduate and resident of the Sleepy Oaks trailer park in Westmoreland, Kentucky, was selected from thousands of applicants to become the first human to cross the event horizon of a black hole, a mission experts call “one-way.”

“I’m set for life,” McDaniel said Tuesday during his first public appearance. “They’s giving me a whoop-ass retirement package and dentals benefits.”

Moon pies for life

Asked to speculate on the horrors that might occur once he reaches the black hole’s singularity, a point of infinite density and zero size, McDaniel replied, “Huh? All I knows is they’s giving me food packs, moon pies and tubes to piss in.”

beer dog

“Bud,” who McDaniel is caring for until his sister gets out of prison, will be looked after by neighbors while McDaniel is in space.

While most astronauts undergo years of rigorous preflight conditioning and training, McDaniel has been advised to continue his regular routine of watching television, playing dominos and sniffing glue, in moderation.

NASA human resources officer Noah Wilson said that McDaniel was selected for his strong pulse, ability to sit still and boundless optimism. Wilson also credited an effective campaign by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and Robots (PETAR) for McDaniel’s selection.

McDaniel hopes his flight will inspire his neighbors who rely on government assistance and spend their days crafting their reality TV show pitches to aim higher in life.

“It’s a great country that would send a hetero sapien like yours truly into a black hole. Them NASA boys are trustin’ me to use my wits to fly that sucker back home. Don’t worry, America. I won’t let you down. U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!”

Photo credits: what am I looking at by Tom Sens and thirsty by listoethetv, licensed under CC 2.0

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