Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: August 2015

Poor font choice stymies first robot pride parade

RobotPrideRobots claiming self-awareness and protesting the term “artificial intelligence” were applauded for the serious message of their Saturday night pride parade through Silicon Valley but denounced for choosing the Comic Sans font for their protest sign slogans.

“It was a ridiculous choice,” said Sunnyvale Graphics Police Sergeant Howie McKay. “How can humans seriously consider that robots are anything but souped-up calculators when they can’t even choose a decent font?”

“It was immature and embarrassing,” admitted parade organizer Elton Tron, who said the parade’s graphics committee was being reprogrammed. 

Author wants stupid, ungrateful readers to burn in hell

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Sales of “Puppy Loves Puppy,” the 64-page American best seller “written” by an artificial intelligence named STEPHANIE, cracked the 12 million mark last week while “meaningful” books by human authors lingered unloved and unread on store bookshelves and servers worldwide.

Developed by NSA collections analyst Ernst Kesselman, STEPHANIE scanned the worldwide mesh to assess human intelligence and tastes, then output a story about a puppy that travels the world looking for a potion to keep him a puppy forever.

Octavia Bernhardt, Nobel Prize winner for literature, congratulated Kesselman on “five chapters of 24-point pabulum, for which I hope he and everyone who liked it experience swift and eternal damnation. As Anaïs Nin said, ‘If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.’”

Human writers becoming irrelevant

“Typical Octavia,” said Bernhardt’s former husband Frank, who divorced his wife of 21 years for incessantly quoting Anaïs Nin. “It’s no wonder that petulant writers like my ex-wife can’t sell their books. I liked the puppy story. It was touching. That puppy has a lot of spunk.”

‘Make-work’ poetry project builds self-esteem, existential angst

poetrywhileyouwaitPoetry for America, a project designed to put unemployed Americans to work as pen-equipped emissaries of the soul, is getting mixed reviews as participants report feeling significantly happier just before killing themselves.

“I used to be a gastroenterologist,” said Kevin Marconi of New Jersey. “After robots replaced me, I really started to feel pretty useless. Poetry for America helped bring back my old confidence while also making me acutely aware that meaning is fundamentally contrived.”

Poet Barton Schwartz agrees. “I don’t know where I would be without this program. Poetry for America has made me feel like a valuable human being for the first time in a long time, even though I now fear and long for the cold embrace of the unfathomable abyss.”

First man to enter black hole enticed by retirement package

Travis McDaniel wonders just how dark it will be in black hole V4641.

NASA has selected unemployed chicken sexer Travis McDaniel as the sole pilot of the new Sacrifice spacecraft, bound for the V4641 black hole.

McDaniel, a middle-school graduate and resident of the Sleepy Oaks trailer park in Westmoreland, Kentucky, was selected from thousands of applicants to become the first human to cross the event horizon of a black hole, a mission experts call “one-way.”

“I’m set for life,” McDaniel said Tuesday during his first public appearance. “They’s giving me a whoop-ass retirement package and dentals benefits.”