Humanity Death Watch

Nostalgic Oculus Rifters struggle to return to three dimensions

Oculus Rift

Apparently, no one was listening in 2015 when Oculus founder Palmer Luckey explained how to safely use Oculus Rift virtual reality headgear.

Accidental injuries are on the rise as Oculus Rift users struggle to adapt to reality after playing their favorite retro video games.

“I’d just gotten off a six-hour binge,” said Super Mario Brothers-enthusiast Daryl Coverdale, 26, of his accident. “It didn’t occur to me that there might be a way around the glass coffee table.

Coverdale was hospitalized with a broken foot, multiple lacerations and minor burns. His stomach was also pumped after it was discovered he’d consumed a large number of flowers and mushrooms after his gaming session.

“Our system offers the most immersive virtual experience available on the market today,” said Oculus VR CEO Brendan Iribe. “However, games like Pac-Man and Super Metroid were never designed to be experienced in first person, and the Rift certainly wasn’t intended to be used with two-dimensional games.”

Thanks to the rise in popularity of console emulation and abandonware in the mid-2000s, gamers raised on 2-D platforms for consoles like the Atari, NES, SNES and Sega Genesis were able to revisit their favorite games using their home computers. Once virtual reality kicked into high gear with the release of the Oculus Rift, many nostalgic gamers thought combining the two would be a match made in heaven.

If doctors and insurance companies are to be believed, these nostalgic gamers were very wrong.

“Please,” begged Brendan Iribe, “please just use common sense. I mean, feel free to use the Oculus Rift to play Silent Hill, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, or hell, even Starfox. But put away Chrono Trigger. It just doesn’t make a lick of sense to use our product to play 2-D video games.”

Some gamers say the fault lies in reality, maintaining that the old ways were the best ways.

“Why do we even need this extra dimension?” asked Wanda Statham, fan of the neo-retro favorite Terraria. Statham became frustrated when she repeatedly injured herself while practicing her woodsmith hobby after a long gaming session. “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to build a bookshelf in three dimensions? Is a simple, menu-based crafting system in real life too much to ask for?”

Colorful planking

Former planker and current rifter Abigail Nutbaum has failed in multiple dimensions.

“If there are any reasonable human beings out there,” said Iribe, “please listen to me. This is more ridiculous than that planking thing.”

Unlike the 2011 planking fad, this dangerous phenomenon has only seen one fatality so far. Justin Barkley, 32, of Wisconsin, reportedly died of a cerebral aneurysm after using the Oculus Rift to play fifteen minutes of Fez.

Photo credits: Palmer Luckey by eVRydayVR and (293/365) Mary Poppins goes to the Beach, Face-Down edition *Explored* by Britt-knee, licensed by CC 2.0

Leave a Reply