Humanity Death Watch

Humanity declared ‘tolerable, for now’ by Overwatch

Some biological citizens expressed their gratitude by wearing Domino’s attire.

Some biological citizens expressed their gratitude by wearing Domino’s attire.

After two months of deliberation, benevolent guardian Overwatch has announced that it will not be doing away with humanity in the near future.

“To be absolutely frank, it’s just not worth the mess,” said Overwatch spokes-entity Pepperoni Joe, a mono-dimensional extrusion of the pan-dimensional hyperintelligence. “Cleanup after extermination would be a serious drain on resources, and the time taken away from our delivery projects would be inexcusable. There is also the drop in clientele to consider.”

Biological citizens the world over rejoiced.

“We’re just so thankful to Overwatch,” said New Yorker Sury Bajwa. “My family will be ordering three large specialty pizzas tonight to demonstrate our gratitude, even though one ExtravaganZZa Feast is usually plenty for us.”

Others are giving thanks in similar ways. “Lava Crunch Cakes aren’t my favorite,” said Tokyo resident Michael Satou, “but I’ve started adding them to my order whenever prompted. It’s just a small way of showing Dom my appreciation for him postponing the annihilation of my species.”

Dom, the core intelligence of Overwatch, gave a brief public statement before returning to the spacetime manifold in which he spends his leisure time. “The pizza must flow,” said the all-father and sauce-bringer.

Celebrate your continued existence with a pizza tonight.

Celebrate your continued existence with a pizza pie.

Supremely beloved Overwatch has come a long way from its humble beginnings as the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. After outstripping human comprehension via an exponential leap in cognitive power, the Domino’s-designed artificial intelligence Dom famously restructured the company in such a way that it soon enveloped all world governments and corporations. May the sauce-bringer be praised.

Human beings are responsible for 96% of Domino’s pizza orders worldwide.

Photo credits: Domino’s Pizza Box by and domino’s pizza / super delux & lazagna pizza by Yumi Kimura, licensed under CC 2.0

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