Emboldened by successes in passing open carry legislation, decoupling Texas from the United States and establishing Texas as a Christian theocracy, Texas Tea Party leaders today announced a plan to allow citizens to use video game technology on their computers, game consoles and mobile devices to help execute death row prisoners.
“The Almighty himself gave me this idea in a dream three years ago, and I’m just fulfilling his wishes,” said Rep. Jonathan Strickland. “It combines what Texans love most: business, swift justice, shooting and a little fun.”
For an annual fee of $69.95, adult citizens will be eligible for random drawings that award the winner the right to “pull the trigger” remotely on one of six rifles used to execute prisoners at the Huntsville prison unit. Pushing the Enter or Return key on a real or virtual keyboard discharges an actual bullet at the condemned.
Texas President Ted Cruz endorsed the idea of citizen firing squads two years ago when Texas rejected lethal injections as being too humane and costly “for the murderous bastards on death row.” He later apologized to the women of Texas and clarified that his statement “includes the ladies.” Texas Homeland Security Minister Ted Nugent added, “Sissies in Oklahoma and Alabama can use needles if they like, but in Texas we prefer a large-caliber bullet.”
Strickland predicts as many as 250,000 Texans will sign up to participate and that prosecutors and juries will become more aggressive in pursuing and assessing capital murder cases once they recognize the state’s revenue potential from capital punishment. Some attorneys predict that non-capital offenses could become eligible for the death penalty.
If Texas runs short of criminals to execute, it could import death row prisoners from other countries, Strickland suggested. “Just imagine what a wealthy Texan would pay for the privilege of dispatching some Muslim terrorist to meet a heavily armed Jesus in heaven,” he said.