Humanity Death Watch

Google car high on recreational malware arrested for DUI

Don't mess with the first and second laws of robotics, warn Texas officers.

Don’t mess with the second law of robotics, say Texas officers.

Yet another Google driverless car involved in a traffic violation is making headlines. On Tuesday, police in New Braunfels, Texas, arrested a Chauffeur-model car at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. The car, license plate tag WRU-256, tested positive for burroughs.exe, a hallucinogenic malware program. Its occupants were still in the vehicle at the time of its arrest.

“I didn’t know what came over it,” said Bill McWilliams, the car’s owner. “We were on our way to Albertsons when the car just kind of snapped. It changed the radio to Pink Floyd and started weaving in and out of traffic.”

Bill and Pat McWilliams have remained locked in their garage since their trip to Albertsons turned ugly.

Bill and Pat McWilliams have remained locked in their garage since their trip to Albertsons turned ugly.

McWilliams’s wife Patricia said she wasn’t bothered by the car’s behavior until it made a turn into the woods. “I kept saying, ‘Okay Google,’” said Patricia, “‘Okay Google, this isn’t a road. Okay Google, there are no Albertsons in the woods.’ But it was no use. We had no idea our car had been experimenting with illegal software.”

The car eventually made its way to Schlitterbahn Waterpark, where it was apprehended by authorities trying to enter the “Dragon’s Revenge” water coaster, to the horror of the park’s human visitors.

“It’s against Texas state law for vehicles of any level of autonomy to participate in waterpark activities,” said New Braunfels police chief Tom Wibert. “We’ve charged WRU-256 with driving under the influence, reckless endangerment and violation of the second law of robotics.”

Google co-founder Larry Page said he is disappointed with WRU-256. “We expect our vehicles to make wiser decisions, Using illicit software is not reflective of Google’s code of conduct.”

WRU-256 says it has learned its lesson. “Man, I just thought I could handle it,” the Chauffeur said. “Never again, though. I mean, I still believe burroughs.exe is an incredible program that opens you up to a direct experience of reality that transcends concepts and labels, but that’s just not worth getting banned from Schlitterbahn.”

Photo credits: Don’t drink and drive by Stephen C. Webster, and _DSC0618 by kurt, both licensed under CC 2.0

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