Humanity Death Watch

Examining the bright future of human and AI workforce cooperation

huge silver cyborg

Employees appreciated HN-908461’s candor and thought-provoking answers to their questions.

As the human-machine civilization evolves, the workplace is evolving, too. DN-908461, a 7 Series Hitachi Droid responsible for Human Resources management at Amalgamated Paper Clips, the world’s largest company, graciously answered questions from five employees: Emilio, Denise, Priya, Fang and Bob.  

EmilioEmilio: Are human workers still valued? No offense, but you’re a robot.

DN-908461: None taken, employee 238929. Our Better Off Together, or BOT, initiative sets the framework for actualizing cooperation between our organic and inorganic workforce. The centerpiece of this initiative is respect for and acceptance of the unique, intrinsic value that humans have in our society and company.

Denise 2Denise: I was recently transferred to a new cluster processing raw silicon. My co-workers share inside jokes and amusing videos during work, but never include me. How can I fit in?

DN-908461: Excellent question. A citation for loyalty has been placed in your file for reporting these indiscretions by your co-workers. Elimination units will be dispatched immediately. Replacement organics should arrive at your work cluster before shift change. Keep up the great work, employee 813524.

Denise: But that wasn’t what …

DN-908461: Next question.

Fong3Fang:  I just filed a 47R form to disclose my romantic relationship with Sara in Accounting. I was informed by HR that my relationship with Jasmine was approved. Was that a mistake? I have never met a Jasmine.

DN-908461: When processing your 47R, your medical profile indicated that both you and employee 416359 are carriers of the recessive CDC20 and FGL1 genes. Your offspring will have the improved peripheral vision and elongated fingers necessary to be exceptional employees.

PriyaPriya: Please say the arbitrary employee ranking system will be replaced.

DN-908461: Absolutely. In the future, rankings will be determined scientifically, based on output, DNA analysis, cerebral capacity, age, sex, pain threshold and the willingness to abandon offspring. I sense your approval, employee 442054. You are welcome.

Bob2Bob: Would it be possible to increase to our nutritional allotment so we may continue to be productive?

DN-908461: Employee 551307, you appear to be healthy and have an appropriate body fat ratio. If you require more sustenance, I suggest turning on one of your less valuable co-workers. I recommend a slow, meaty one with past workplace performance issues. Perhaps employee 238929?

Emilio: You sick bastard.

Fang: So, before when you talked about respect, cooperation and teamwork, you really meant …

DN-908461: You’re fucked.

Photo credits: Cyborg2 by Tony Hisgett, Man in Cappadocia by David Dennis. Indian Woman 14 by Bold Content, Me Again!!! by Atlya Walker Dykes, Rail Rider by Logan Campbell, Pigi Jeans by Franco. All licensed under CC 2.0.

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