Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: June 2015

Scientists conclude superstring theory just too complicated

Scientists thought for a while that mapping the European rail system might hold the key to understanding superstring theory.

Scientists thought for a while that mapping the European rail system might hold the key to understanding superstring theory.

Saying they gave it the old college try, scientists are cutting bait on understanding superstring theory as the potential explainer of everything, including the origins of the universe. In a tersely worded statement, the American Physical Society said, “In the beginning, everything was here, and that’s all there is to it.”

Physicist Edward Witten, whose groundbreaking work led to the second superstring revolution, was among the most disappointed, but concurred with the decision. “I gave up a lot of bowling nights to this line of thought,” said Witten, who describes understanding superstring theory as “the intellectual equivalent of playing beer pong blindfolded in the middle of a tornado while being really messed up.”

Hotels and attractions near CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, where millions of tourists had traveled to have their pictures taken with the Higgs boson—a sexy underpinning of superstring theory—saw reservations dry up as experiments were cancelled. “Without the hoopla surrounding superstring theory, the LHC is just a big, boring hole in the ground,” said one Swiss hotelier.

Teen blames parents for inferior genes, demands upgrade

Gina Jenkins believes genetic recalibration is her best hope of landing high school quarterback and future billionaire Mark Stevens.

Most of us have to deal with what nature gave us when we were born. Hair cowlick, shifty eyes or birthmarks that resemble cheese quesadillas. Whatever the quirk, it’s who we are. But for some, like 18-year-old Gina Jenkins, well, she’s displeased with everything.

“I was born with brown hair, brown eyes and short legs. Total nobody. And no one as special as me should have to endure such mediocre features,” she said from her bedroom in her parents’ Connecticut home. “The genetic catastrophe that is my parents shouldn’t have been allowed to reproduce.”

So Gina is suing her parents, Tom and Patty Jenkins, for what she calls “wrongful birth,” which left her with less-than-stellar sets of chromosomes. If her $250,000 lawsuit is successful, she plans to use the money for genetic recalibration.

Humanity declared ‘tolerable, for now’ by Overwatch

Some biological citizens expressed their gratitude by wearing Domino’s attire.

Some biological citizens expressed their gratitude by wearing Domino’s attire.

After two months of deliberation, benevolent guardian Overwatch has announced that it will not be doing away with humanity in the near future.

“To be absolutely frank, it’s just not worth the mess,” said Overwatch spokes-entity Pepperoni Joe, a mono-dimensional extrusion of the pan-dimensional hyperintelligence. “Cleanup after extermination would be a serious drain on resources, and the time taken away from our delivery projects would be inexcusable. There is also the drop in clientele to consider.”

Biological citizens the world over rejoiced.

“We’re just so thankful to Overwatch,” said New Yorker Sury Bajwa. “My family will be ordering three large specialty pizzas tonight to demonstrate our gratitude, even though one ExtravaganZZa Feast is usually plenty for us.”

Trigger fingers in Texas itchy for high-tech firing squads

Video game executions

“Just imagine what a wealthy Texan would pay for the privilege of dispatching some Muslim terrorist to meet a heavily armed Jesus in heaven,” said Rep. Jonathan Strickland.

Emboldened by successes in passing open carry legislation, decoupling Texas from the United States and establishing Texas as a Christian theocracy, Texas Tea Party leaders today announced a plan to allow citizens to use video game technology on their computers, game consoles and mobile devices to help execute death row prisoners.

“The Almighty himself gave me this idea in a dream three years ago, and I’m just fulfilling his wishes,” said Rep. Jonathan Strickland. “It combines what Texans love most: business, swift justice, shooting and a little fun.”

For an annual fee of $69.95, adult citizens will be eligible for random drawings that award the winner the right to “pull the trigger” remotely on one of six rifles used to execute prisoners at the Huntsville prison unit. Pushing the Enter or Return key on a real or virtual keyboard discharges an actual bullet at the condemned.

Google car high on recreational malware arrested for DUI

Don't mess with the first and second laws of robotics, warn Texas officers.

Don’t mess with the second law of robotics, say Texas officers.

Yet another Google driverless car involved in a traffic violation is making headlines. On Tuesday, police in New Braunfels, Texas, arrested a Chauffeur-model car at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. The car, license plate tag WRU-256, tested positive for burroughs.exe, a hallucinogenic malware program. Its occupants were still in the vehicle at the time of its arrest.

“I didn’t know what came over it,” said Bill McWilliams, the car’s owner. “We were on our way to Albertsons when the car just kind of snapped. It changed the radio to Pink Floyd and started weaving in and out of traffic.”

Bill and Pat McWilliams have remained locked in their garage since their trip to Albertsons turned ugly.

Bill and Pat McWilliams have remained locked in their garage since their trip to Albertsons turned ugly.

McWilliams’s wife Patricia said she wasn’t bothered by the car’s behavior until it made a turn into the woods. “I kept saying, ‘Okay Google,’” said Patricia, “‘Okay Google, this isn’t a road. Okay Google, there are no Albertsons in the woods.’ But it was no use. We had no idea our car had been experimenting with illegal software.”

Examining the bright future of human and AI workforce cooperation

huge silver cyborg

Employees appreciated HN-908461’s candor and thought-provoking answers to their questions.

As the human-machine civilization evolves, the workplace is evolving, too. DN-908461, a 7 Series Hitachi Droid responsible for Human Resources management at Amalgamated Paper Clips, the world’s largest company, graciously answered questions from five employees: Emilio, Denise, Priya, Fang and Bob.  

EmilioEmilio: Are human workers still valued? No offense, but you’re a robot.

DN-908461: None taken, employee 238929. Our Better Off Together, or BOT, initiative sets the framework for actualizing cooperation between our organic and inorganic workforce. The centerpiece of this initiative is respect for and acceptance of the unique, intrinsic value that humans have in our society and company.

Denise 2Denise: I was recently transferred to a new cluster processing raw silicon. My co-workers share inside jokes and amusing videos during work, but never include me. How can I fit in?

DN-908461: Excellent question. A citation for loyalty has been placed in your file for reporting these indiscretions by your co-workers. Elimination units will be dispatched immediately. Replacement organics should arrive at your work cluster before shift change. Keep up the great work, employee 813524.

Denise: But that wasn’t what …