“He didn’t call on Mother’s Day or send a card. I could only assume he was injured, dead or too weak from being a vegetarian.”
That’s how Betty Johnson of Evansville, Ind., explained to authorities her decision to hire Russian mafia hackers to enter her son’s home network, enabling her to appear without warning on his holographic computer. The hackers also tapped into Bruce Johnson’s personal data, drained two bank accounts and rearranged his Shins music library, at no additional charge to Mrs. Johnson.
“Oh, please,” said Mr. Johnson, 34, of Portland, Ore., “I spoke with my mother on Friday and said I might be working the weekend. This is the woman who reenacted childbirth every Mother’s Day just to remind me how much I made her suffer. I’m still in therapy.”
“I didn’t know they were Russian mobsters,” stated Mrs. Johnson. “What is a mother to do when her son lives alone, isn’t dating anyone and won’t answer her calls. I just hope to God he has a child someday so he knows the pain he puts me through. Knowing him, I’ll be lucky to have some robot grandchild strangle me in the night. Not that I would object if it was quick.”
Mafia spokesman Dimitri Bogolepov said his organization appreciated the opportunity to reassure Mrs. Johnson about her son’s health and whereabouts. “Diversification is the hallmark of successful organized crime, and reminding children about their Mother’s Day responsibilities appears to be an underserved market in America.”