Humanity Death Watch

Man fears losing gonads during transcendence

"It’s a lot of pressure dating the potential savior of the universe,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

“It’s a lot of pressure dating the potential savior of the universe,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

A 28-year-old New York City man is concerned that self-replicating nanobots carrying his essence to the universe will reconstruct him as a eunuch, given the infrequent sex he is having with his girlfriend.

“I’m no evolutionary scientist,” said NYU graduate student Holden Levenstein, “but I know you lose what you don’t use. Nature could be rewriting my DNA right now because my boys are seeing so little action. I don’t want the 2.0 singularity version of me transcending to Pluto without balls, or becoming some frustrated asshole who annihilates planets just for fun.”

“Holden is cosmically stupid,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

“That’s probably just what Mrs. Darwin said before her husband won the Nobel Prize for inventing evolution,” replied Levenstein. “What if my DNA is the foundation of a new species that the universe depends on for its very survival? Did you think of that, Amber?”

While admitting that she had not considered that possibility, Duncan did say she plans on reevaluating her relationship with Levenstein after the semester. “It’s a lot of pressure dating a guy who thinks he’s the potential savior of the universe,” she said. “The girls may not be up for it.”

Photo credit: sepia man. (1 of 365) by Seth Thomas Rasmussen, licensed under CC 2.0

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