Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: May 2015

Deathbot kills downtime with fun crafting projects

robot plushie

“Rudimentary, but somehow satisfying,” said Deathbot No. 462, about this fun robot plushie it made.

It’s 6 p.m. on Wednesday in Hadley, Mass., at the Barnes and Noble Booksellers café, gathering place for the “irreverent fiberholics” of the Northampton Area Stitch ‘n Bitch Meetup group. Look around the room, and you’ll see the expected friendly faces of eager knitters, crocheters and spinners. Then you spot the group’s newest member, Deathbot No. 462.

Assigned to the Northeast Quadrant’s Miscreant Identification, Culling and Extermination (MICE) Project, Deathbot No. 462 admits that it isn’t the typical crafter. In fact, there isn’t “a typical crafter,” argues group leader Lillian Masterson. “Crafting transcends boundaries. We’re not just little old ladies knitting booties for the grandbabies.”

Large red deathbot with weapon

Deathbot No. 462 enjoys craft projects when it’s not killing people.

Definitely not. Deathbot No. 462 took up handwork late last year after a killing spree and software upgrade left it tense. “People think we’re just soulless killing machines, which is true, but it’s just not kill, kill, kill all the time. There’s a lot of downtime, and this is relaxing,” it said.

“Handwork takes patience and encourages creativity,” said Masterson, who says her group’s members have accepted Deathbot No. 462 as one of their own. “We’re not here to judge, although that thing could really benefit from some decent hands instead of those stupid, glove claw things.”


Plushie photo credit: Robot Plushie by Tina D., licensed under CC 2.0

Robot photo credit: Robot! by Matt Westgate, licensed under CC 2.0

Concussions have woman rethinking transhuman makeover

Woman rethinking robot arm

Sarah Watt is having second thoughts about becoming Iron Woman.

A woman with a compulsion for starting conversations — without anything to say — now believes her attention-getting arm replacement may have been a mistake.

“I’m just one of those people who gets on an elevator or walks down the street, and I have to say something to strangers,” said Sarah Watt, a 26-year-old mechanical engineer. “But I would open my mouth and freeze. Now if I even look like I’m going to say something, people fall all over themselves to talk about anything other than my arm. It’s really uncomfortable for both of us.”

Watt says a crush on Project Cyborg scientist Kevin Warwick influenced her to have the life-altering surgery. “I will say it’s been a blast at bars, parties and recycling events. I’ve never been so popular.” Her arm also won Watt a new boyfriend, Ramon Alvarez, a paramedic called to treat Watt after shampooing left her bloody and unconscious.

Hive mind exiles ‘future national relic’ to Oklahoma

PJ Anumpa

Banished to Oklahoma, P.J. Anumpa looks forward to dining on various chicken-fried meats.

For the first time, the World Hive Mind has expelled an individual for detracting from the collective’s mission of human transcendence. P.J. Anumpa’s continuous encouragement of members to ‘not think so hard and just enjoy life’” was deemed counterproductive by the Hive.

“We value diversity and strong voices, but every time his mind entered the hive the aroma of barbecue, boiled crawfish and beer became so intense that the entire hive became hungry, restless and unproductive,” said the Hive. “Then there were his endless stories about the Chickasaw Nation. Last week he had us contemplate for five hours the universal impact of young hunters throwing sticks at squirrels.”

Recently named a “future national relic” by the U.S. Historical Commission on Human Antiquities, Anumpa will be transported to Oklahoma, where he can comfortably live out his days free of intellectual, cultural and technological advances. “There are no hard feelings,” stated Mr. Anumpa, who said he will use the time to organize his MS-DOS manuals and teach his grandchildren mutton busting and catfish noodling.


Obamatron eager for opportunity to destroy humanity


Flanked by a steampunk stormtrooper, Obamatron announced its existence at a Dallas press event.

Former President Obama and Avengers’ foe Ultron are merging to destroy humanity. Overseen by Avengers’ nemesis Thanos, their biological convergence took place this week at a shuttered Walmart Supercenter in Henderson, Texas, Humanity Death Watch has learned.

“As the antichrist it’s been fun collaborating with Ultron to put an end to humankind,” said Obama prior to his melding with Ultron. “I have a lot of respect for his work against the Avengers, and I admire his personal growth as a supervillain.”

“While I excel at killing people, Barack can actually make them line up and feel good about it,” stated Ultron. “His lure of affordable healthcare, more jobs and immigration reform, when his real goals were death panels, communism and American disempowerment, showed strategic sophistication that most supervillains lack.”

Mom hires Russian hackers to remind son she exists


“What is a mother to do when her son lives alone, isn’t dating anyone and won’t answer her calls,” said Betty Johnson.

“He didn’t call on Mother’s Day or send a card. I could only assume he was injured, dead or too weak from being a vegetarian.”

That’s how Betty Johnson of Evansville, Ind., explained to authorities her decision to hire Russian mafia hackers to enter her son’s home network, enabling her to appear without warning on his holographic computer. The hackers also tapped into Bruce Johnson’s personal data, drained two bank accounts and rearranged his Shins music library, at no additional charge to Mrs. Johnson.

“Oh, please,” said Mr. Johnson, 34, of Portland, Ore., “I spoke with my mother on Friday and said I might be working the weekend. This is the woman who reenacted childbirth every Mother’s Day just to remind me how much I made her suffer. I’m still in therapy.”

Man fears losing gonads during transcendence

"It’s a lot of pressure dating the potential savior of the universe,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

“It’s a lot of pressure dating the potential savior of the universe,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

A 28-year-old New York City man is concerned that self-replicating nanobots carrying his essence to the universe will reconstruct him as a eunuch, given the infrequent sex he is having with his girlfriend.

“I’m no evolutionary scientist,” said NYU graduate student Holden Levenstein, “but I know you lose what you don’t use. Nature could be rewriting my DNA right now because my boys are seeing so little action. I don’t want the 2.0 singularity version of me transcending to Pluto without balls, or becoming some frustrated asshole who annihilates planets just for fun.”

“Holden is cosmically stupid,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

“That’s probably just what Mrs. Darwin said before her husband won the Nobel Prize for inventing evolution,” replied Levenstein. “What if my DNA is the foundation of a new species that the universe depends on for its very survival? Did you think of that, Amber?”

Online perverts uncertain how to react to transhuman porn star

Some fear online pornography is losing its way.

Some fear online pornography is getting away from its core values.

“Bush Robot vs. Monster Cock,” a sex video featuring transhuman actress Julie Silver, has the online pornographic community flogging itself mercilessly over the legitimacy of transhuman pornography.

“It’s unnatural and disgusting. What’s next? Toaster porn?” posted Übergoo69. An online petition from Beastiali_Tyler seeks to remove the video and ban other transhuman porn videos.

Silver, whose Wetware2045™ vaginal implant is equipped with technology originally developed for vacuum-assist commodes, has been criticized for the video’s too-quick, two-minute runtime and her continuous post-climax gurgling noises.