Young Earth creationist Ken Ham, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins and Monty Python’s John Cleese are British agents sent to revive the snooty British Empire and undermine American exceptionalism, Humanity Death Watch has learned.
Reached by telephone at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., Ham said, “God save the Queen. You finally figured it out. Now I can go back home.”
Dawkins admitted that Ham’s character of a wacky fundamentalist Christian who preaches the world is 10,000 years old was concocted during a Guinness-infused airport layover in Brisbane. The two collaborated by phone with Cleese, who suggested Ham build a museum where “fat, stupid Americans can ride dinosaurs,” said Dawkins. “Queen Elizabeth laughed her ass off when she heard that.”
While Dawkins used sciencey stuff, lethal eyebrows and a British accent to promote the superiority of the Commonwealth, Ham sought to legitimize theories in America the world discarded a century ago. “Ken is really a lovely guy and a good scientist, but mostly he’s a helluva an actor,” Dawkins said.
“Richard is too kind,” said Ham. “I had time-proven material and a great audience. About the time we were adding a bug exhibit, zip line and sky bridge course at the Creation Museum, up to a quarter of Americans thought their president could be the antichrist. It was magical time to be a charlatan.”
As to the goal of their mission, Dawkins replied, “When the singularity arrives, robots will play cricket, speak proper English and take tea every afternoon. It will be our finest hour.”