Humanity Death Watch

Couple fears loss of ‘poop-scooping’ moments to singularity

Dogs

Hat-addicted sexagenarians may have reached their evolutionary potential.

An elderly couple in Houston who used to complain about bagging up their dogs’ feces on neighborhood walks now fears losing the experience to technological innovation.

“Some of our best times are spent walking the dogs, talking about their bowel movements and complaining about our neighborly duty,” said Paul Babb. “Chloe can really crank them out. Lucky is a rapid-fire pellet pusher, and Sparky is the slowest pooper on the planet.”

“At first I was begging for a technological solution,” said Stephanie Babb, “but I realized that with robots taking our jobs and the children out of the house, we needed the exercise and a go-to topic for those awkward silences that married couples face all the time.”

Evolutionary biologist Stanley Low says the Babbs should relax. “Technologists have failed to solve the poop-scooping problem with everything from robots to dog diapers. We must consider the possibility that homo sapiens have evolved to pick up dog poop, and that the Babbs are at the pinnacle of their evolutionary destiny.”

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