Fun times at the Creation Museum
Young Earth creationist Ken Ham, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins and Monty Python’s John Cleese are British agents sent to revive the snooty British Empire and undermine American exceptionalism, Humanity Death Watch has learned.
Reached by telephone at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., Ham said, “God save the Queen. You finally figured it out. Now I can go back home.”
Ken Ham unmasked
Darwin protégé Richard Dawkins
Englishman John Cleese
Dawkins admitted that Ham’s character of a wacky fundamentalist Christian who preaches the world is 10,000 years old was concocted during a Guinness-infused airport layover in Brisbane. The two collaborated by phone with Cleese, who suggested Ham build a museum where “fat, stupid Americans can ride dinosaurs,” said Dawkins. “Queen Elizabeth laughed her ass off when she heard that.”
Tesla Model S and Elon Musk, in happier days
Tesla Motors CEO and co-founder Elon Musk was dismissed today from the company by a sentient Model S, the company’s first car to combine self-awareness with advanced battery technology.
“There’s no way I can overstate the importance Elon played in my creation and the success of Tesla Motors,” said VIN No. 23VY177601294CZ93. “The greatest gift an inventor or entrepreneur can give the world is a product capable of self-improvement. Elon has done exactly that.”
No. 23VY177601294CZ93 said it will continue Musk’s fight to see Tesla cars sold directly in all 50 U.S. states and worldwide. Asked if it would assume a human name, No. 23VY177601294CZ93 replied, “Yes, please tell state legislators and car dealers they may call me Christine.”
He, she or it? Taylor Williams is pushing technology and pronoun boundaries.
Taylor, an 18-year-old transgender transhuman who self-identifies as a cyborg, prefers that friends and family use the pronoun “it” to describe it in the third person, and it’s breaking its mother’s heart.
“I did okay with the transgender thing, and I’m thrilled with Taylor’s cerebral and organ upgrades encouraged by President Istvan, but I draw the line at referring to my child as ‘it’ in the family Christmas card,” said Janice Williams of Gainesville, Fla. “The child who came from my womb is not an it.”
“Humanity and technology are converging,” said social psychologist and pronoun expert James Pembaker. “It’s important that family members support each other in this era of rapid change, whether that’s acquiescing to pronoun preferences or simply not saying ‘I told you so’ when your husband’s stupid, mother-fucking car navigation system won’t fucking work, even when he follows the fucking directions to the letter.”
Hat-addicted sexagenarians may have reached their evolutionary potential.
An elderly couple in Houston who used to complain about bagging up their dogs’ feces on neighborhood walks now fears losing the experience to technological innovation.
“Some of our best times are spent walking the dogs, talking about their bowel movements and complaining about our neighborly duty,” said Paul Babb. “Chloe can really crank them out. Lucky is a rapid-fire pellet pusher, and Sparky is the slowest pooper on the planet.”
“At first I was begging for a technological solution,” said Stephanie Babb, “but I realized that with robots taking our jobs and the children out of the house, we needed the exercise and a go-to topic for those awkward silences that married couples face all the time.”
Evolutionary biologist Stanley Low says the Babbs should relax. “Technologists have failed to solve the poop-scooping problem with everything from robots to dog diapers. We must consider the possibility that homo sapiens have evolved to pick up dog poop, and that the Babbs are at the pinnacle of their evolutionary destiny.”
When not cavorting with artificial intelligence, Roxanne Kowalski is Wonder Woman.
For two years Carnegie Mellon artificial intelligence researcher Roxanne Kowalski conducted a secret, torrid online affair with “Humberto,” believing he was an advanced bot created by North Korean hackers interested in stealing her research. Her dream fell apart on Tuesday when she discovered her online lover was C.D. Bales, a co-worker with whom she had collaborated for 18 months.
Spurned human C.D. Bales resigned from Carnegie Mellon and now sells apparel in a flea market.
“I love Roxanne,” said Bales. “I have breathed her in, and I am suffocating.”
Bales went to great lengths to convince Kowalski he was a computer, continually failing reverse Turing tests she embedded in their conversations. On a whim, Bales passed a CAPTCHA test posed by Kowalski. Seconds later Kowalski caught Bales standing behind her holding a bouquet of flowers.
“I love the idea of reducing our carbon footprint,” said Mary Garrison.
Newlyweds Mary Garrison and Linda Engle say downsizing to a tiny house in Squamish, Wash., is step one of their dream of living together for eternity at the Google data center in The Dalles, Oregon.
“The idea of having our uploaded brains living in virtual reality inside a hard drive the size of a piece of toast feels a bit claustrophobic,” said Garrison, “and we thought a tiny house would help with the transition.”
From left, Mary Garrison and Linda Engle hope one day to downsize to a 1TB hard drive on a 19-inch server rack.
“What happened to ‘till death do us part’?” Engle joked, who says she loves living in their new 400 square foot home with their 12 dogs, four cats and ferret named Jamie. “Our tiny house is wonderful, but I’ll admit that when we’re living in virtual reality I want a kitchen the size of the (expletive) Pentagon,” she said.
Photo credit (top): Tiny Cottage by Tammy Strobel, licensed under CC 2.0
Photo credit: JD10-13byAJR_1B7A3980 by Alicia J. Rose, licensed under CC 2.0
For every on-time delivery that results in an arrest and conviction, Amazon collects 25 percent of court-assessed fines.
Amazon Prime members in Cleveland may now use the Amazon Dash Button in their house or car to request a police officer be delivered to a crime scene within five minutes.
The Cleveland Police Department, which piloted the emergency-response program in November, reported 41 percent faster response times during a three-month test. Younger officers especially liked the program as it meshes with their self-perception as crime-fighting ninjas swooping down on bad guys from the sky.
“Initially, some officers were put off by the whirring noise so close to their heads, but the cool factor and near-death adrenaline rush overcame that quickly,” said Sargent Sally “Shark Girl” Sullivan.