Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: March 2015

Kids sue parents to get microchips removed

Hall of Fame broadcaster Milo Hamilton was a ploy in parents' evil scheme.

Hall of Fame broadcaster Milo Hamilton was a ploy in parents’ evil scheme.

Attorneys representing Erik and Jenna Petersen, ages 15 and 10, filed suit today in Harris County District Court in Houston, Texas, to force the children’s parents to pay for the removal of microchips the parents had implanted shortly following the children’s births. The microchips were used to monitor and influence the children’s movements, thoughts, food intake and bodily functions.

The children were unaware of the microchips inserted in their prefrontal lobes, said lead attorney Dick Deguerin, until last fall when Eric’s youthful sexual dreams began to feature “play-calling” by former Houston Astros broadcaster Milo Hamilton. “Eric knew something wasn’t right when he awoke one night screaming ‘holy Toledo,’ Hamilton’s signature home-run call.” Jenna complained of always hearing her mother’s voice demanding that she clean her room and brush her hair.

I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more. — Dorothy Gale

NEWS FLASH: NPR science reporter traitor to humanity

terminal

This is your future, if Shankar Vedantam gets his way.

NPR Science Desk Correspondent Shankar Vedantam has admitted trading favorable news coverage about artificial intelligence for preferential treatment by future robot overlords. He was immediately hired by Fox News, which praised his enterprising style of journalism.

Photo credit: “Terminal” by Evan, licensed under CC 2.0

Death is underrated, say church ladies

jello mold

Alarming drops in deaths are causing concern among church ladies and an oversupply of popular funeral reception foods.

Church ladies, the women who provide homemade food and reassuring glances during funeral receptions, report that declining death rates are killing their spirit.

“Death is a way of life for me and the other ladies, and it’s threatened by genetic engineering, big data, and don’t get me started about that damned Obamacare,” said Alma Jefferson, 73, a member of the Ephemeral Life Church of Silicon Valley. “People underestimate what dying can do for your self-esteem and reputation in the community.”

Photo credit: “Jessie’s Manhattan Jello Mold” by Ann Larie Valentine, licensed under CC 2.0

Writer Barry’s brain explodes playing Lumosity games

 The king of “booger journalism” is dead.

Dave_Barry2-Before Photo

Federal brain explosion experts are traveling to Miami to investigate.

Dave_Barry2-No Face

Barry’s friend and band mate Stephen King will publish a book next week about Barry’s mysterious death.

Dave Barry, the Pulitzer Prize winning humor writer, died on Tuesday when his brain exploded in front of a stunned crowd in Miami after he played “cognitive games” from Lumosity, the online brain training and neuroscience research company.

“I think Dave wanted to surprise me for my birthday by saying something smart,” said Barry’s wife, Michelle Kaufman. “This brain training was pretty much a last resort. He had tried everything.”

Lumosity officials claim their exercises are safe when used as intended. Experts indicated Barry’s brain could have atrophied to such an extent that a gas buildup was ignited by a brain fart.

Photo credit: “DSCF4962” by Joe Loong, licensed under CC 2.0

Singularity biggest conflict among marrieds

Young couple

Women believe that men should just go ahead and merge with robots and see how they like it.

Move over, sex and money. The new No. 1 issue that couples fight over is the technological singularity, concludes a new Harris Online poll. “Typically, men are all for letting artificial intelligence roboticize and usurp humanity, while women want humans to remain a distinct, vibrant and naturally evolving species,” said lead pollster Sylvester Reed.

“I geek out on the possibilities of accelerating evolution,” said one survey respondent. “My wife just doesn’t get that to make an omelet you’ve got to break a few eggs. How cool would it be to merge with a robot?”

Let us know how the singularity is affecting your marriage or other relationships.

Photo credit: “Shock and Awe” by David Woo, licensed under CC 2.0