Humanity Death Watch

God miffed about cryonic ‘death cheaters’

Pope Francis illustration

Cryonics, the science of using ultra-cold temperature to preserve recently dead white people so that their money-grubbing children never inherit their fortunes, has been criticized by Pope Francis, speaking on behalf of the Almighty.

Issuing “Vol. 1: Morto o non è morto,” the first invocation of papal infallibility since Pope Pius XII defined the Assumption of Mary in 1959, Pope Francis said “It is not within the purview of man to extend life beyond God’s plan.”

“This is a big day for Catholics everywhere,” said Cardinal Seán Patrick O’Malley, the Boston member of the College of Cardinals once considered a contender to succeed Pope Benedict XVI. “Making an ex cathedra statement demonstrates real cojones for any pope. Clearly, Pope Francis is feeling it. The world just goes nuts for popes who don’t say a bunch of crazy shit.”

Some theologians, however, criticized Pope Francis for “pandering to ignoramuses” by including in his declaration an excerpt from the “Princess Bride” movie. “Now, mostly dead is slightly alive,” said the Pope, imitating the movie’s Miracle Max character. “Now, all dead…well, with all dead, there’s usually only one thing that you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.” Pope Francis followed this reference with a “smiley face” emoticon, the first ever to appear in a papal declaration.

Photo credit: “Pope Francis caricature” by DonkeyHotey, licensed under CC 2.0

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