Humanity Death Watch

Amish launch pre-emptive strike in ‘artilect’ conflict

Proclaiming “Reddy Kilowatt must die,” three radicalized Amish youths attacked the Limerick Generating Station in Montgomery County, Penn., on Tuesday, throwing sticks and stones at the facility’s sign. Abrasions to the sign, which has an estimated value of $39.95, were quickly repaired, without disruptions at the nuclear facility operated by Exelon Corp.

Drone

Be thankful that laser-equipped drones vaporized Amish terrorists.

Facial recognition software and DNA probes launched by Exelon drones identified the attackers as Jacob Miller, 17; Leroy Schwartz, 19; and Bubba Fisher, 20, prior to their accidental vaporization by the drones’ high-energy lasers.

“This was an act of terran terrorism, pure and simple,” said Berks County Sheriff Eric J. Weaknecht.

A manifesto based on the Hugo de Garis book “The Artilect War,” was discovered in the home of Fisher. The manifesto claimed that Exelon and other electricity producers were using artificial intelligence to create advanced portable electricity storage devices that will power “deathbots” for annihilating human holdouts in remote locations.

“While it was unfortunate that the terrorists were killed, I think we can all sleep better knowing that no other lives were lost and there were no power interruptions that might affect viewer enjoyment during the upcoming summer replacement TV season,” said Weaknecht.

Photo credit: “Drone vs Cow” by Mauricio Lima, licensed under CC 2.0

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