Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: March 2015

Futurist Kurzweil dies in online search mishap

Ray Kurzweil proclaimed not to be God but people knew he was just underselling.

Ray Kurzweil never claimed to be God but some thought he was just underselling.

Ray Kurzweil, the inventor who popularized the technological singularity and became Google’s director of engineering, died Monday afternoon at Google’s Mountain View, Calif., headquarters during a demonstration of an experimental 4D interactive search tool that is part of the company’s acclaimed “Moonshots” program.

Singuliarty is Near cover

Kurzweil’s book popularized the idea of a technological singularity among men eager to talk about things they don’t understand.

The accident occurred in the Google holodeck, where Kurzweil became disoriented, tripped and bumped his head into space-time. “It was tragic, but even in corporeal death Ray was teaching us the critical differences between Euclidean space and Minkowski space-time,” said Larry Page, Google co-founder and chief executive officer. One source, who requested anonymity, said that Kurzweil hoped to apply the 4D search capabilities on a pet project code-named “Infinite Orgasm.”

God miffed about cryonic ‘death cheaters’

Pope Francis illustration

Cryonics, the science of using ultra-cold temperature to preserve recently dead white people so that their money-grubbing children never inherit their fortunes, has been criticized by Pope Francis, speaking on behalf of the Almighty.

Issuing “Vol. 1: Morto o non è morto,” the first invocation of papal infallibility since Pope Pius XII defined the Assumption of Mary in 1959, Pope Francis said “It is not within the purview of man to extend life beyond God’s plan.”

Just ‘Borg me’ and get it over with, pleads Patrick Stewart

Patrick Stewart

“Locutus had his upsides,” says Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart, the English actor who played Captain Jean Luc Picard on the Star Trek: The Next Generation TV series, says that he prefers life as a cybernetic organism than to attending one more Star Trek convention.

“What can I say about hanging out with Trekkies and Bill Shatner except that Locutus has started looking infinitely better with each passing day,” Stewart told HDW. “As Locutus of Borg I felt part of a motivated team with a clear mission. The Enterprise just flies off willy nilly in search of strange new worlds. Well, BFD. The Borg are do-ers.”

WME Entertainment, which represents Stewart, confirms they are in contract negotiations with Hugh of Borg in the Delta Quadrant.

Photo credit: “Patrick Stewart Met Opera 2010” by David Shankbone, licensed under CC 2.0

Comedian successfully promotes book by killing readers

John H

People wouldn’t admit to themselves that John Hodgman was maniacal.

As predicted by Nostradamus in 1557, comedian, author and PC guy John Hodgman unleashed an evil robot on Tuesday that killed eight people waiting in line to buy Hodgman’s new book, “Surprise,” at the Strand Bookstore in Manhattan.

“How dare you buy this book,” Hodgman is reported to have screamed prior to instructing a phaser-equipped Apple iBot to disintegrate eight people who could not name the underground magazine Hodgman edited in high school.

Amish launch pre-emptive strike in ‘artilect’ conflict

Proclaiming “Reddy Kilowatt must die,” three radicalized Amish youths attacked the Limerick Generating Station in Montgomery County, Penn., on Tuesday, throwing sticks and stones at the facility’s sign. Abrasions to the sign, which has an estimated value of $39.95, were quickly repaired, without disruptions at the nuclear facility operated by Exelon Corp.

Drone

Be thankful that laser-equipped drones vaporized Amish terrorists.

Facial recognition software and DNA probes launched by Exelon drones identified the attackers as Jacob Miller, 17; Leroy Schwartz, 19; and Bubba Fisher, 20, prior to their accidental vaporization by the drones’ high-energy lasers.

Humanity’s 10 Secret Weapons in Coming Robot Wars

Former taxi driver Marilu Henner

Former taxi driver Marilu Henner

 

  1. Team DotA
  2. Finch
  3. Jean Luc Picard
  4. Justice League
  5. Marilu Henner
  6. Rock ’n’ roll
  7. David Copperfield
  8. Godzilla
  9. Rick Deckard
  10. Doctor Who

Photo credit: “Marilu Henner” by Gage Skidmore, licensed under CC 2.0