Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.
Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.
“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”
They could be next.
Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”
Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”
Insiders speculate that Trump ate the brain of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in 2012. Decorum prevents us from showing actual video footage or still images.
A video released by the Donald Trump campaign showing the Republican nominee eating zombie brains in 2012 is successfully distracting voters from a 2005 video in which he bragged about groping women.
“We’re just trying to get the worst out there quickly so that voters have a chance to digest and forget some regrettable decisions made by the candidate,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.
“I’ve seen a lot worse in snuff films,” said Trump supporter Rex Matson. “This is a smart PR move. While the video could bother some voters, the idea of crooked Hillary in the American White House is too hideous to even contemplate.”
Trump running mate Mike Pence said he feels more strongly than ever that Donald Trump is right for America. “He’s a man of strong passions, which is what America needs. He’s capable of anything.”
“I’m just so full of ideas, man. If I don’t create, I die,” said the aspen.
Citing a desire not to be tied down, the last tree on earth announced Wednesday that it is “not really into the whole ‘tree’ thing.”
The lone survivor of rampant deforestation, the 25-year-old quaking aspen in rural Alberta is, experts confirm, the last living tree of any species still in existence. When approached for comment, however, the tree groaned mightily and launched into a diatribe against the pressures of “societal norms” and “the man,” a target that came up seventeen times over the course of the interview.
A squirrel close to the tree reported that the aspen has always been self-absorbed.
“What is a tree, even?” the aspen submitted. “A shill for Big Paper? A home for happy little chirpy birds? Is that what you people want? It makes me sick.”
The tree refused to discuss both the rich history of its kind and the sad turn of fate that resulted in its being the last of its line. Instead, it played a mixtape of its spoken word poetry, with pauses between each track for commentary. Its poetry is, according to the tree, “heavily influenced by Finnish folk tales of the 14th century but with a natural progression toward gangster rap of the early ’90s.”
Opportunity awaits refugees in the resource-rich Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Human rights groups across the globe are praising the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (GPGP) for committing to open its doors to up to 1.2 million refugees by 2018.
Refugees from Syria and other areas of conflict throughout the Middle East will be welcomed by the Texas-sized conglomeration of suspended debris littering the Pacific Ocean, said Val Plump, GPGP representative. “Our island nation may be a trash vortex, but at the center is a human heart.”
Mixed feelings about garbage island home
Omar Fakhoury of Damascus has mixed feelings about living on an island of garbage. “Of course, it’s demeaning. I’m a real person. I have a college education. I don’t want to live on garbage. But facts are facts, and the fact is that it’s a significantly better option than where I’m currently living. And it’s a much better reception than I’d get anywhere else in the world right now.”
Refugees shed tears of joy upon arrival.
Fatima Hadad, his next door neighbor, agreed. “I spoke to the emissaries from the GPGP just this afternoon, and I was so impressed. They understood our situation, and they really seemed to have our best interests at heart. But what self-respecting country wouldn’t?”
Some critics have said the GPGP is accepting refugees merely to improve its image. “While we may be the world’s go-to example for greed and human stupidity, there’s no ulterior motive here,” said the GPGP’s Plump. “We’re just doing our part in a bad situation, the same as anyone would.”
Employee morale is on the upswing at Frontly & Bladder.
Frontly and Bladder Inc., a copper tubing manufacturer based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, is making waves with its innovative new workplace environment modeled after a slaughterhouse.
Troy Merk, the man behind the vision, credits an article he read about Temple Grandin, renowned author and slaughterhouse designer. “Ms. Grandin is all about keeping animals calm and killing them efficiently, making the process easier on everyone. So I thought: why shouldn’t the same apply to our workers here? Not that we’re killing them!” he added hastily. “We want them to be calm for their metaphorical death. Which, in our case, equates to a one-to-two percent increase in profit margins.”
Innovator Troy Merk takes inspiration from everyday life and death.
One calming measure is the altering of the office’s clocks. “When a cow sees itself approaching slaughter, it panics,” explained Merk. “The exact same thing applies to an employee who can see eight hours in a cubicle sprawling out in front of them.” To get around this, all office clocks display 3:45 all day long. “Research has shown this to be the ideal time,” said Merk. “Employees can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so they get invigorated and feel like they have just enough time to make one last push and finish one worthwhile task.
Murderous co-conspirators resting up for the next kill
Baby boomers, the generation that refuses to mature and stop having disgusting old-person sex, are being undone by their beloved animal companions.
An AARP study confirms that tripping over the family dog or cat is now the leading cause of death among boomers, surpassing deadly erections that last more than four hours. Many boomers fear their animals are tripping them on purpose.
“We joked for years that our little terrier was trying to kill us by getting underfoot,” said boomer Perky Mills. “Then one day I found my husband dead in the kitchen and little Sparky sitting on top of him, acting just a little too gleeful.”
Strung out on Greenies, dogs ‘will do anything’
Cold-blooded killer caught in the act
Last week a Los Angeles doggy daycare center named “Timely Manor” was raided by the FBI, which found material consistent with the idea of animal assassins. “These dogs were definitely being groomed and trained for something,” said Bureau Chief Lewis Erskine Jr. “We can’t yet say for what, why and by whom.”
Night terrors haven’t prevented customer Andy Lee from enjoying his quality coiffure.
Shearly U Cutz, a hair salon in Madison, Wisconsin, is attracting nationwide attention with the low, low 3% decapitation rate of its robot stylist.
The Triminator, equipped with 24 pairs of scissors, 18 buzzers and one fine-toothed comb, provides “efficient, accurate styling utterly without human touch,” promises salon owner Bev Flanagan. “And it delivers complete customer satisfaction 97% of the time.”
“Our next 300 slots are already booked,” said Flanagan. “While nine of those customers are going to die a horrible bloody death, that doesn’t seem to be turning anybody off.”
All action, no small talk
Citing the opportunity to avoid making both small talk and eye contact during the hair styling process, Madison residents are flocking to the salon.