Humanity Death Watch

NPR brain nerd used fake news to help aliens ‘cull’ humans

Shankar Vedantam sold out humanity for Facebook likes. What was he thinking?

A nine-month FBI sting operation inside National Public Radio has resulted in the arrest of a correspondent who produced fake news stories in his spare time to help the Borg collective recruit new members.

President Trump will save us from the Borg, he says.

Shankar Vedantam, NPR social science correspondent and the host of the Hidden Brain podcast, was taken into custody and charged with treason for collaborating with the Borg, a “collector” species that turns captives into cybernetic organisms. Vedantam reportedly used his knowledge of the human brain to write fake news articles that would expose people who were “Borg material.”

“We excel at repurposing simple-minded zealots from post-literate societies,” promises the Borg’s website.

Atheist: ‘I prayed to Carl Sagan on election night’

Embarrassed

Embarrassed atheist let the moment get the best of him.

A Houston man who found reason as a youth admitted praying to dead agnostic scientist Carl Sagan on election night 2016.

“I’m so embarrassed,” said Christian Moore, 26. “I got on my knees and prayed to Carl just like he was a god. I self-reported to my atheist sponsor when I realized what was happening. Watching Hillary lose state after state was too much. I just couldn’t handle it.”

Similar admissions from nonbelievers were received at the American Humanist Association, Freedom from Religion Foundation and American Atheists. The groups fielded calls from members who said they prayed to the Force, NPR, Gloria Steinem, Harry Potter, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Richard Dawkins, Gene Roddenberry, Beyoncé, beer and Guardians of the Galaxy.

VR Pokémon GO lets players smell the blood, hear the screams

pokemon-go

Bloodthirsty Parisians are pumped for apocalyptic Pokémon action.

Niantic, the company behind the wildly popular mobile phone app Pokémon GO, has unveiled plans for an update that allows players to experience the game in a more visceral, blood-curdling way.

“When we launched the app in July, it was a hit beyond our wildest dreams,” explained Russ Crouch, creative director at Niantic. “It was many people’s first introduction to augmented reality, and players were charmed by the chance to see Pokemon seemingly running wild in the real world. The opportunities for violence were endless. Facebook was flooded with snapshots of people balancing Pokémon on the rims of blenders, in the jaws of animals at the zoo, in the open flames of blowtorches … the level of creativity was really impressive.”

But that was four months ago. Since then interest has naturally flagged, leaving behind a core of diehard fans prone to delving into ever more depraved methods of torturing the critters they encounter. Niantic promises the update will reinvigorate the app’s fan base by using virtual reality to plunge the player into the Pokémon universe.

Depressed nation seeks new outlet for hatred

Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.

Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.

Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.

“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”

Mimes fear they could be next.

They could be next.

Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”

Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”

New horrific Trump video distracts voters from previous one

big-orange

Insiders speculate that Trump ate the brain of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in 2012. Decorum prevents us from showing actual video footage or still images.

A video released by the Donald Trump campaign showing the Republican nominee eating zombie brains in 2012 is successfully distracting voters from a 2005 video in which he bragged about groping women.

“We’re just trying to get the worst out there quickly so that voters have a chance to digest and forget some regrettable decisions made by the candidate,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.

“I’ve seen a lot worse in snuff films,” said Trump supporter Rex Matson. “This is a smart PR move. While the video could bother some voters, the idea of crooked Hillary in the American White House is too hideous to even contemplate.”

Trump running mate Mike Pence said he feels more strongly than ever that Donald Trump is right for America. “He’s a man of strong passions, which is what America needs. He’s capable of anything.”