Humanity Death Watch

Fido and Fluffy killing baby boomers for Greenies, thrills

Formerly sweet animals are turning on their human companions.

Murderous co-conspirators resting up for the next kill

Baby boomers, the generation that refuses to mature and stop having disgusting old-person sex, are being undone by their beloved animal companions.

An AARP study confirms that tripping over the family dog or cat is now the leading cause of death among boomers, surpassing deadly erections that last more than four hours. Many boomers fear their animals are tripping them on purpose.

“We joked for years that our little terrier was trying to kill us by getting underfoot,” said boomer Perky Mills. “Then one day I found my husband dead in the kitchen and little Sparky sitting on top of him, acting just a little too gleeful.”

Strung out on Greenies, dogs ‘will do anything’

Cold-blooded killer caught in the act.

Cold-blooded killer caught in the act

Last week a Los Angeles doggy daycare center named “Timely Manor” was raided by the FBI, which found material consistent with the idea of animal assassins. “These dogs were definitely being groomed and trained for something,” said Bureau Chief Lewis Erskine Jr. “We can’t yet say for what, why and by whom.”

First mobile device for couples turns heads

Love means never having to say you’re offline.

Love means never having to say you’re offline.

Wearables maker Jawbone unveiled on Thursday the world’s first Web-enabled mobile device for couples. It goes on sale next week.

Named “HeadsUp,” the device encourages face-to-face communication and stronger relationships by making mobile computing a couple’s activity. Product developer Lisa Twitch said the device was inspired by a former boyfriend who incessantly checked his phone instead of looking at her and working on their relationship.

Woman can’t keep hands off Web-enabled boyfriend

Emma Madison and boyfriend Liam Howard tested the forehead-mounted mobile solution for a month.

Both say they love the device, which affixes with 3M VHB™ acrylic double-sided mounting tape. “It’s addictive,” said Madison. “I can talk with Liam while doing something useful like checking email or updating my Facebook page.”

Childhood officially extended to age 35

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. America is better off without my generation voting just yet,” said 34-year-old Kevin Crossways.

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. I can’t be trusted,” said 32-year-old Kevin Crossways.

Congress passed a bill yesterday to extend childhood and delay certain adult rights and responsibilities until children are 35 years old.

The Adult Avoidance Act gained unprecedented support nationwide from constituents across political ideologies, especially those under 35 years of age. The bill was introduced last year in reaction to the new lifespan that humans now enjoy thanks to transhumanists’ life-extending breakthroughs. People are now living youthfully well into their late 100s.

The biggest changes to responsibilities and rights deal with voting and buying alcohol.

‘I never felt like a grown-up anyway’

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

The bill drafters said taking away voting rights was prudent because voting is a big responsibility that the “barista generation” can’t fully grasp. Alcohol is also now forbidden even for children 21 and over because the bill writers cite that scoring booze illegally is a “time-honored, character-building right of passage. It’s the American way,” said Rep. Jenna Bush Hager.

Sarah Greyson, 28, says she’s thrilled to quit her job and move back to her parent’s home to pick up where she left off when she was 11.

Nation’s toilets don’t care who shits in them

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

With Americans battling over transgender rights and the use of public restrooms, the nation’s toilets came forward Thursday to assure the public they really don’t care who shits in them.

“All day every day, people push their hot shit into us,” said an American Standard 1.1 GPF Madera System toilet from the restroom behind the camping supplies at the Walmart in Paul’s Valley, Oklahoma. “That’s my whole life. A person sits on me, makes some kind of stinking deposit, and they leave. If I’m lucky, they flush. If you think I care about the gender identity of that person, you have a very stilted idea of what it’s like to be shat into.”

“Shit’s shit,” declared a Toto UltraMax II toilet in the back of Las Tortugas Restaurant in Vestal, New York. “Trust me. I’m a unisex toilet in a Mexican restaurant. I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman or whatever. That chimichanga is coming out the same: absolutely disgusting.”

Uber-seniors’ crotchetiness still due to how stupid everyone else is

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being stupid.

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being morons.

Advanced medical technologies have extended human lifespans by decades, with some of the oldest people living into their 140s, so far. But while their bodies are remaining disease-free, strong and healthy, their attitudes have not fared as well, baffling the medical community.

Gerontologist Dr. Lucinda Quilt says that the grumpy demeanors of today’s uber-seniors are unexpected because until now, the explanation for their crotchety behavior focused on diminished mental faculties and because they often felt poorly.

Now, we are learning that the old-age stereotype of unfiltered cantankerousness is actually just a result of not caring about other people’s feelings and a general disdain for individuals who dare to cross their paths.

“It’s an unexpected phenomenon,” says Doctor Quilt, “made worse because modern medicine is keeping their minds sharp, and they actually have so much life experience that when they vocalize their negativity, you can’t help wonder if they’re right.”

USB-to-Nose adapter offers fast transfer speeds, looks adorably silly

SinUSB was inspired by “that messed-up scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger yanks a huge tracking device out of his nose, ” said the inventor.

Even as you read this, biotechnology engineers around the world are working tirelessly to close the ever-diminishing gap between man and machine. But while most major players in the field are focusing their resources on embeddable microchips and electrode brainwave scanners, one tiny Ottawa firm sees a different point of entry: the human schnoz.

SinUSB (pronounced “sinus bee”), beta-named Project Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose, features a straightforward design. Simply squirt a few pumps of SniffWare, a proprietary blend of nanobots and conductive fluid, into the nasal cavity. Then, for the next 6 to 8 hours, take any standard USB cable and shove the business end up your honker to start charging and managing your devices on the go.

While cynics write off SinUSB as a gimmick, the specs say otherwise: It boasts incredible transfer speeds of up to 25 GB/sec. Also, it’s super cute and goofy looking.

Trump alternative unearthed in nick of time

Frank-600 x 400-Deliver

Campaign manager Lee Atwater expects Frank Benton to catch fire with voters.

Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.

Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.

“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”

‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities

Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.